when a girl will break a boy just because she can.

[disturbia sound: limp - fiona apple]

I feel like I'm the soles of his shoes wedged with shit on every folds and creases on my body. or am I the shit? for him I'm just a shitload of trouble, when all I've done was asking him to treat me nice and not look at me as a walking pandora's box. but I was always the one to blame. he said that I was a stupid know-it-all, a child, an idiot. jesus, that has injured me in the most profound way.

I don't know what I've done that was so damaging to him that made him want to treat me like this. I was nice, I was patient, I was appreciative, I was less judgemental, cos I thought by behaving like that he would treat me the same way too. but he didn't. sure, I not all I did was acceptable, I've had my share as a bitch. I would never indicate that I was the saint and he was the sinner. but when I did good, he didn't acknowledge it, sometimes he didn't even realize it. and when I did bad, he was the first one in line to be mean about it.

nothing is good enough for him.
and I just don't give a shit what he think of me anymore.

so I said my goodbye. I never thought I could use so many swear words known to man on one person. and I meant every single word.

okay, maybe I was stupid. I was stupid enough to let him hurt me over and over again when I knew I could just leave. of course, I still have feelings for him, huge. but I just don't want to be with him if he still gonna be this way.

however flawed I am to him, he still admits that he loves me. I guess that's something. but I've had enough. I'm stupid a child an idiot irrational fuckhead if I stay. love me all you want, but just don't hurt me anymore.

***
get gone by fiona apple

...
flip your shir past another lasses
humble dwelling
you got your game, made your shot,
and you got away with a lot
but I'm not turned on
so put away that meat you're selling

cos I do know what's good for me
and I've done what I could for you
but you're not benefiting
and yet I'm sitting singing again
sing, sing again

how can I deal with this
if he won't get with this
am I gonna heal from this
he won't admit to it
nothing to figure out,
I gotta get him out
...

how many times can it escalate
'till it elevates to a place I can't breathe
and I must decide if you must deride
that I'm much obliged to up and go
I'll idealize and realize that it's no sacrifice
because the price is paid
and there's nothing left to grieve
fuckin go--

cos I've done what I could for you
and I do know what's good for me
and I'm not benefiting
...
***

bye, babe. let me know when you decide to apologize and treat me nice. so maybe I could forgive and forget and stop hating you and start loving you again.

YOUR APOCALYPSE WAS FAB.

[disturbia sound: stay - michelle featherstone]

this is not real thi-thi-this is not really happening.
YOU BET YOUR LIFE IT IS.

"'isn't it funny...love is tempramental. tiring. it makes demands. love uses you. changes its mind.'" how humiliating. to hear lilith back to my side, reading off the lines from my favourite book. it hit too close to home. it was worse than I told you so. and for my part, I went off singing like the insane.

and all of the songs are singing back to me again. more like tethers than feathers.

to you it's another day, to me it's a grim reaping just another one of my shooting stars strung out on your wire. all the world just stopped now. so he say he don't wanna stay together anymore. "let me take a deep breath, babe. if you need me, me and cherry would be hanging out with widowmiss. she said hi, by the way.

"do you think just like that you can divide this—you as yours, me as mine, to before we were us?"

he don't show much these days, gets so fucking cold. I love his secret places but I can't go anymore. maybe I should've shaved every place that he's been. I can't believe that I would keep him from flying. I'm aware what the rules are, but you know that I will follow. what's it gonna take 'till my baby's alright?

these little earthquakes. doesn't take much to rip us into pieces.

for babe:
***
hey jupiter by tori amos.
live in the tonight show with jay leno [june27th'96]

no one's picking up the phone
guess it's me and me
and this little masochist
she's ready to confess
all the things that I never thought that she could feel and

hey jupiter
nothing's been the same so are you gay
are you blue
thought we both could use a friend to run to

sometimes I breathe you in
and I know you know
and sometimes you take a swim
found your writing on my wall
if my hearts soaking wet
boy, your boots can leave a mess

no one's picking up the phone
guess it's clear he's gone
and this little masochist
is lifting up her dress
guess I thought I could never feel the things I feel and

hey jupiter
nothing's been the same so are you safe
now we're through
thought we both could use a friend to run to

hey jupiter
***

remember.
remember.
remember.
remember.
baby, it burns to be your fire on the side.

it's your turn now to stand.
WHERE I STAND?

someone promised me a healing machine. I knew he got it on him since forever.

boy, you still look pretty when you putting the damage on.

[disturbia sound: hysteria - muse]

we got into our biggest fight yet. it was him with the traffic having a death match at first but it ended up being me screaming bloody murder at him. all of this with two of my girlfriends on the backseat. nevertheless one of the most embarrassing things ever happened to me, neck and neck with having my parents listening to me screaming "my-fucking-god, I know that!!!!" to the receiver. with him on the other end of the phone, of course.

it's amazing to realize how much tolerance I have, however small, however temporary, when other people are present. I was able to suppress myself from lashing back at him for a while, he made me so angry 'till I almost smacked him--seemed right that night. but I didn't. so he finally said sorry and we made up afterwards and everything was fine. everything was fine either on the living room or outside in front of the tool shed against the wall :9

I saw Baron again. I was in the club and he was there with his crazy-haired girlfriend. I danced near them. I almost fell down but then he reached for my hand and pulled me out of the crowd and stuck his tongue down my throat, in front of everyone. he said, "you want more of me? you have to pay. five hundred thousand rupiah." he got a flier and all. the first thing came to mind was, what, I pay him that much and he'll use my money to take me out on a fancy dinner? and I thought, jesus, my favourite hooker is a hooker. gigolo. whatever. I'm starting to believe that it wasn't a dream afterall.

will update again later.

you could almost drown my waterfall.

[disturbia sound: teardrop - massive attack]

I saw Baron. he looked well. and I was thrilled, he always make my tummy lurches, in a very good way. we talked for several hours that night, said he missed me. total crap. I just had to laugh. but he's my favourite hooker of the whole bunch, and I've always missed my baby demons. and then he asked me if I wanna play with fire. it got me all excited cos I'm a little arsonist myself. so I said yes of course why the hell not. I haven't talked to him again since then. I guess I can't take it personaly.

somewhere along the thought of creating a bonfire with Baron, Ash came to mind. I mean, I remember him from time to time, with his face blurred and ever-changing. but at that moment, I could see his face the way it actually is. those dangerous eyes, those fists that could hit me anytime now. the thought of him empowered me somehow. I may be still a child, then and now, but look where all of this hatred got me. salvation is free.

love hasn't changed, still very tempramental. tiring. I'm currently suspecting that it thinks my apologies match my eyes when I cry, that's why it loves its tantrums so much. it's like it has to kill to understand something. so unjust. but all is fair in love and war. so if it's not being fair to me, then I have to make it fair for myself. even if it means having a big parental advisory sticker glued to my forehead.

"love, gimme peace, love, peace, and a hard ccooooooooocckkkk..!!!"

it's Ramadhan already. fasting time. celibacy. hunger hurts.
gimme religion and a lobotomy.

blow the end now, baby, who i gotta shag to get outta here?

[disturbia sound: never seen blue - tori amos]

"I heard of a man who says words so beautifully
that if he only speaks their name, women give themselves to him
if I am dumb beside your body while silence blossoms like tumours on our lips
it is because I hear a man climb the stairs and clear his throat outside our door"
leonard cohen

it has been too long. I forgot that cream smells like daisy dead petals, traces of dried honey. it wasn't cinnamon or apple cider. it was musky daisy dead petals. caramelizing ginger with wine. and then there was that taste of salted mini pretzels.

and oh samael, how I sang all the way through, the best thing I could do. he said he's the biggest thing there'll be this year, I guess what I was seeking--I guess what I was seeking isn't here. I even made a list of "these things got through your head" after I defended myself with yes I wore a slinky red thing, does that mean I should spread for you? and of course the fact that I haven't seen barbados and the soft and sweet biscuits of carolina crossed my mind.

I hope it was the last time I break my own rules. cos when you break one you won't stop breaking all the others and before you know it you put oleanders in his milk and paint his doorknob with DMSO. that's just shit on your face.

I feel so uninspired, so despondent. this is the beginning of the season of eve. where the fuck has lilith gone? what has terror done to me?

another one came along. he insisted to be called "rose". the name was relevant, but on a whole other planet I'm living in. he doesn't fit in me. he did, for a decade in saturn. that was then. now that I've ran faster he wants to catch up? some boy you are.

so go on, spill your seed. this little arsonist is back into doing icicles on her deathbed, so you might as well make the best of it.

ginger is always sincere, just not to one man, uh-huh.

[disturbia sound: the wrong band - tori amos]

tiesto put a big pulsating heart visuals that night (thank you, very much appreciated). i was already stopped beating by that time, and even until now. i chose not to beat anymore, because i beat for all the wrong reasons and it wouldn't be fair for anyone if i keep it going like this.

so i stopped. i broke it off. yes, breaking does hurt and i'm sorry to say this but it didn't hurt me as much as it hurts the next person. to tell you the truth, it didn't hurt me at all. if that makes me an asshole, so be it. if i'm only wet because of the rain, if i'm only needy because of the distance, if all i want is just to "cum and go", then i'm sorry, babe, things aren't gonna work out like you want it to. but i sure had fun.

and even if it means that i'm going to be needy most nights after 9 pm and squirm in my bed cos i'm being my nocturnal-self, then that's fine. i can manage, just like i did all this time. speaking of which, i miss you, sydney boys. when i had my libido mood-swing [laughs] i thought, what the hell is wrong with me, but then it all makes sense when i remembered the "nocturnal theory" we created about me three years ago, where i'm desperately active at night and i go fuck-all when it's broad daylight [laughs]. i thought it was gone, i didn't even remember that i had it, but i still have it. unfortunately. ah, i wish you three are here to bear it with me.

pije lent me her thin skin by emma forrest. i saw too much of me in there. firstly, i felt like i ripped off the lines and sentences and use them in my own writing because there are quite a few similarities--which is not true, i didn't plagiarize her work, i read this just this week and my writing is already a month old. and secondly, remember how i told you the songs were talking to me? well, they haven't stopped, and now this book was fucking talking to me too. every few paragraphs i went "yea, okay, you don't have to fucking state the obvious", just because it said something that is basically true about me. but i like the book nonetheless. i even went through a whole and-i'm-so-sad-like-a-good-book moment.

cherry, if you're in love then i'm happy for you, really, but if you're not, then thank god jesus buddha muhammad lucifer lilith samael sophia zeus.... i know i've never been in love before but i sure know that it won't be a picnic to fall for someone who doesn't fall for you back. so listen, if you're already falling from that cliff, just remember that i have the rope and the ladder and the freakin fire department to help you, you know. that is, if you want to stop falling. if you don't, then crash all you might and tell me all about it. pray that someday i will join you down there too. oh and if i do, please please let me have my baby demon holding my hand cos i really don't wanna fall alone. it's scary.

little gleam, little gleam.. i was a vampire this past month and i'm glad that i was. but now i'm back into being a cat, meow-ing and spiralling between boys' legs, strutting around showing off my pretty cat paws, and i want my tuna fish! (which reminds me, let's get some sushi this weekend)